How to Lose Six Pounds in Roughly a Week

Step One: Obtain a head cold. This can be done by working in close proximity with sick co-workers, or, alternately, working with the public. If you can manage to do both, your head cold is virtually guaranteed.

Step Two: Have no vacation days. Or sick days. You self-medicate with over-the-counter medications because this will prolong the cold, and not actually make you healthier. At this point, your ear may begin to throb with pain, but rest assured, this is part of the process.

Step Three: Break down and go to the emergency room at 1 am. Obtain a perscription for 400 mg of Motrin and a steroid nasal spray. Again, this will not actually make you better, but it will allow you to continue to work and interact with the public. Go to work on 5 hours of sleep. This last step is crucial.

Step Four: Make a doctor's appointment for your day off. If this day off is four days away, all the better. You will not have an appetite, but you will force yourself to eat the bare minimum so that the Motrin does not eat through your stomach lining. Also drink lots and lots of tea and water to flush the increasing amount of mucus that is gathering in your throat.

Step Five: Limp through the work week until you can get to the doctor. At this point, the doctor will inform you that you need antibiotics, and that you have lost six pounds! Congratulations.

Step Six: Rest.